Self-Sabotage, Salary Negotiation, & Social Anxiety

I am on a rooftop in Hell’s Kitchen surrounded by 7-figure influencers and entrepreneurs. Manhattan glitters and the constant honking is so far away. And I am deeply uncomfortable.

I sip my pinot noir with the desperation of introvert seeking ‘social lubrication.’ This is the rooftop that I have been gunning at for months. What is my problem?

FYI: everyone, from a socially conscious real estate developer to life coach superstar Alionka Polanco, is super nice. There are no Regina Georges. 100% friendly vibes.

I am just straight up socially anxious in such an ironic way for a career driven gal like myself.


Everything felt like money.

It felt too fancy for the likes of me as if I was some Victorian era scullery maid.

Shine your shoes, governor?

I should be an online biz Becky Sharp, but instead, I felt myself withdrawing.

Less than a week before, I had left a nonprofit career services position. I had my tech boot camp side hustle, but 40+ hours a week, I was helping extremely high needs & chronically unstably housed populations. So literally, I went a week between mingling with homeless people in Tucson before mingling on an NYC rooftop party with Neil Patel.

Major culture shock.

It was more than that.

It was triggering a lot of my money/wealth/abundance ~feels~ as the kids say.

I grew up more Roseanne than Shameless, but money has always felt out of reach. And I have always felt guilty about having money. I suffered through social work burnout way longer than I needed too because I felt guilty about making money.

Yet I am actively seeking to generate it.

Catch-22 mindset. Realization download provoked.

And great, I just gotta have this moment of realization just when I should be drinking wine, having fun, and networking my face off.


Last week, I renegotiated my pay with my remote job. Catch this, I had to psyche myself up to ask for my new pay. And, I will be real with you, it’s a 100% good bargain for me, but it not extraordinary.

So part of me asks, how much money did I leave on the table? Could I have gotten more if I had been confident in myself to ask for more? How long will I resist asking for what I am worth?

If I can’t get my shit about money sorted then, frankly, I am always going to be at a disadvantage when doing salary negotiations or generating income of any kind.

And I am a damned good career strategist.

In that moment as I shiver on the rooftop as the wind whips through my hair, I already know this. I stare into my phone in the hope of seeming occupied instead of intimidated.

I am trying to mentally go through my own version of Law of Attraction for people with social anxiety who have been through shit.

I know that is a once in a lifetime kind of an event so I keep psyching myself up before I find a friendly face to chat up. The wind dies down even as the city keeps roaring below us.

The moment passes yet the realization remained.

Quite bluntly, how I am going to move up in my career if I am uncomfortable with money?

That is the question that I think a lot of professionals have to ask themselves.

What baggage and beliefs are you carrying around money? Are you taking them to the negotiation table? Do you know your worth?

Be honest with yourself.

How much money are you leaving on the table?

As always, life is short and the world is big!